'Brand'ishing the Turds

Presenting some Shiity news hitting the tabloids about the 'Pari' Katy Perry and Sex ka Addict -' Russel Brand.'.

Since the papers lack to create gumption - let me break down some of the basic news 2 the people reading it :)

Apparently, Kate and Russell "have become devout worshippers of Lord Ganesha" just like how the couples are fans of substance abuse. (no offence to the deity. )

Just like how Heidi Klum and Seal got re-married in a Hindi Wedding ceremony, and while the rituals were being performed by a sundry pandit.. Hiedi had tears in her eyes as she understood the reasons why a hindu woman leaves her 'sabkuch and becomes parayi' to her parents.

Anybody find it funny, eh?

Just like how, soon enough. Heidi was dressed as Maa Kali for  Halloween party at her place, ( not surprisingly, she bagged the award for the best costume of the night !)

Just like Julia Roberts got converted to Hinduism after shooting in India for ehr 'sleepy' movie 'Eat.Pray,Love'

Digressing from the point to the point of focus, Russell Brand gifted Katy Perry a tigress as a sign of remembrance and un-ending love . why? For reasons the tigress in question alone knows. and oh. So that the so called activists in question do not get their share of lime-light.  the tigress claimed she will be left back in India while he would provide some the dollars for her welfare. the tigress resents that she dint get a chance to share a bed or a bathtub with Katy . Katy who has previously shared her bed with a girl, Travie McCoy, Russel Brand to name a few.

Save the straying look after the wedding Katy. 

Has your love for Katy too gone out of the window as soon as you left India ???? Eh, Russel ??

And in the meanwhile, Rihanna who was supposed to be her so called bridsmaid could make it for the wedding because of her professional commitments.

'All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players'


Couldn't sum it any better. 

Is Recession really over?

The ‘Great Recession’, since the World War 2 which stigmatized the nation with its noxious paws is almost coming to end, as prophesied by experts.

The downward spiral towards the recession trench was fuelled by the downturn of the Lehman Brother bankruptcy debacle in 2008, implications leading to vacuum of 5k employers in the UK, 20k in the US and around 2k in India.

Poor Piggy!

By 2010, for India, things have being improving drastically for the positive. The BSE reached the 20000 mark on 21 September2010, the first time since January 2008.Subsequently; the rupee earned an all-high of 45.55 as against to a dollar. Moreover, the gold rate in Mumbai today is a whopping 19,695 per 10 grams.

                The job market has definitely seen a spruce up. According to NASSCOM, IT conglomerates like TCS, Infosys and Wipro set to hire 90k employees as opposed to 20k last year, According to naukri.com recruitment in the IT industry is 45% higher than the previous corresponding months.

                As reported in Economic times, you need to earn 40 lakhs per annum to own a house in Mumbai, all thanks to real estate prices skyrocketing close to 2 crores. Courtesy mumbaipropertyexchange.com a 1 BHK house in the suburbs could be anywhere between 12-15k per sq. Feet and South Mumbai could be anywhere around 25k – 35 k per sq. feet.

With the recent CWG success story in tow, it is estimated that there will be an overall economic impact of approximately US $4,940 from 2008-2012.

The citizens in US however, are singing a different tune. Approximately 1 in 6 Americans are jobless. Or are worried about the ones they are presently working with; or don’t have an apartment to call home; or who are struggling to pay their bills day to day.

These figures definitely don’t speak of a recession-stricken India. For now, it’s time to blow the cornet and wallow in the happiness.

For India, life just got better. Just like a bowl of cherries.

Love, Actually

Love ( or the HC ) will soon get them down

                Agony aunts like me have another issues to deal with lately, other than the usual set of relationship hassles that their friends go through. With HC thinking of ruling that a woman in a live-in relationship with a man will receive ‘palimony’ irrespective of whether the relationship turned a night on a bed of roses or a gateway of thorns.

               Personally to me, the HC raising this issue is quite baffling. Apart from deflecting from the many issues it has on its list many as old as timeless as the Babri-Ayodya issue, this idea is something even female activists wouldn’t have come up with!

              To be living in a day where chivalry can be counted as a pot of luck, the petition to pay palimony is a little too blatant to exist in this coeval, it is disparaging for men. Sure this resonates in every guys mind like a drum. As for some girls, the gold diggers get a new source of livelihood. I say , more problems to the cads and cadets in love!

                    Moreover, girls are no more the ‘weaker sex’. Chivalrous men are definitely a yes. Gallantry too. But owning up cash to a woman because it dint work out Well, let’s just put it this way. She is way too self-respecting, independent and self loving whore to accept money when she has enough money to feed a family of 5. Financial security is no more a reason to fall in love with the alpha female.

                    Besides, what’s love got 2 do with materialistic pleasures???

                      Soon cupidity will replace cupids. Love arrows will be exchanged f or locked horns. Live- ins  are a good choice for couples who want to give their relationship a good try, let's not lay its paws on love and clench the few good men!

                      Let’s not rain and ruin Love’s parade. Love doesn’t need more notoriety than it has already earned.

Puerile Life

Scene 1

Age 10  - gets in with dad in the train. Daddy is taking me to office.!!  Hip hip hurray. Dad will get “hotel food”;  dad will take me to the sea, will buy clothes for me,  will show off to his office friends how smart I am. While I will just flash my teeth to everyone; even in front of Rachel my “bigger” sis, she will be so jealous.  I reach office. I am so bored within 15 mins. I get *cold* Limca juice.  I am bored. Try talking to Rachel.  Maybe we will fight and time will go by. Another hour.

 12 00 pm - Another bottle of Limca. I am hungry now. I wail for that “Chinese hotel food”. Papa’s friends had me the dirty yellow economic times. They tell me to type. It’s a race game. If I can type 500 words in an hour.  Food is served to me in the next 30 minutes. I am now full and can’t breathe.  I sleep on the 2 merged plastic chairs.
5 00 pm - we go to the beach. my shiny heel shoes has lost its shine n become brown. but dad will buy a new one for me right now . :P
6 00 pm - we are back in the train with me standing at the window seat and Rachel behind me :P  :) Life is bliss.

Scene 2

Age 20 - taken a break from college. Intend to pursue journalism in the forthcoming year.  Doing odd jobs to be never parched on pocket money. And I slowly learn the value of money.  Travelling by bus or sometimes by train instead of the usual ricks. Un-officially groped in trains and buses. In buses by men. In trains by women.  

Report to wo(e)rk office 30 mins late.  I pretend to do work. Boss vents all his inadequacies’ at his employees.  Its 12pm.  Time for instant gratification. Food. Devour every morsel of my dejeuner. Prolong every moment of the lunch time. Fucking bastard gives mean, angry, vengeful look as soon as I start bitching about him. Is this what is called telepathy??
 4 00 pm – chai time. 20 mins in washroom.. 1 and a half hour more. Goes online under the impression of replying 2 mails that is a part of my job.  Chats and vents out anger with snbhat. 6 45 pm – washroom time again. Pay peanuts, get monkeys is my mantra for work. Time to fuck off. Life is bliss ?

( this is a work of pure imagination at work. none of this is related to the authoress)

Happy Birthday Google..!!

With Google turning 12 ; I have just realised how handicapped I am without it ! Google has helped  me with my spell check rather than Microsoft Word . From  teaching me grammar  to tracking news updates , from assisting me in noting movie ratings s to latest TV schedules;  from locating addresses through Google maps or helping me with the ubiquitous projecting looming the night before submission. Google has helped me do all of this with a click of the Search button.

When I used Google on Saturday morning to implore and educate myself about the CWG, Goggle had a birthday cake ( and still has ) by the artist Wayne Thiebaud’ who is apparently “an American painter whose most famous works are of cakes, pastries,boots, toilets, toys   and lipsticks. “ (Thanks Google (again) , Wiki Second ..!! )

Google's 12  b'day doodle 

So here is my ode to goggle. Google through these years celebrating Its birth and doing social service in way 2 all of us mortals..!!

Google turns a sober 11

Ten-tun- a-ten

Vine-y 9

Natty Eight

Roman 7

Sexy 6

Hive- 5

$ more for google.!

 Cheers Google..!!!

Caught in the Act

"Wayne Rooney caught cheating on Coleen McLoughlin ” read a daily newspaper.  As I flipped through the pages of a newspaper last week.

Pic for representational purpose only

"Wait..Who was it again ? Tiger Woods ? Wayne Rooney ?? Wasn’t he married very recently?  Wasn’t his wife preggers even more lately??? wasn't the press abuzz with  sum1 who cheated v recently??? From d sport fraternity??? " my mind rambled on.. 

A quick recall gave them quite a long list of love rats.. Phew..!!! 

Tiger Woods- Tiger Wood’s downhill started  by November 2009 when he was caught cheating with a certain   Rachel Uchitel, an executive at an exclusive nightclub.. All in the name of party planner . only later did we know what  "Tiger Woods' wife rescued him from car crash by smashing window with golf club” meant...  Way 2 go Elin!! Hope this relieved her pain for just some moments !

 

Ashley Cole - The next  one in line who would love to turn in2 ashes after being caught with a woman would be this guy. Has he taken a good look at his now ex wife Cheryl tweedy? He cheated on Cheryl with a string of women. probably more than what he could count.. just a case of the swan marryind the proverbial duckling marrying the beast. only in this case, the duckling couldn’t  keep his feathers to himself.

 

Reggie Bush- The new Orleans saints player was in my memory famous only for dating kim Kardashian. But with a woman like Kim in hand; why would anybody look in any other bush?? Huh???

 

David Beckham- Rebecca Loos should thanks David Beckam for giving her 15 seconds for of fame. In other words,  a “new life “ for her. Rebecca loos den signed on a couple of reality show which among them was ‘Survivor.’ And “The Farm” in which she was seen masturbating a pig. Eeeekkks got a new definition on levels of crudeness.

 

WhY only football..??

In the country that is obsessive s with cricket;  cricketers too know how to play with  balls off the court n how..!!!

Take for instance.. media's wild child , Shane Warne.

In 2007, Shane Warne, who had a second chance with his wife reportedly, screwed it up for good but accidentally sending her a text message meant fro another woman.  This is called the incapability to learn from past mistakes.. no??

 

Apart from these are Mohammed Azharudin and his ‘Jwala’  surely sparked some talks about him,  if not 4 his career lows. And match fixing scuttlebutt. And how do we get our tiger dada--  Desh-ki-dhadkan—Sourav Ganguly and his jig with Nagma  ???

 

Which leads me 2 a few questions.. Is it so difficult 4 famous men to stay monogamous?

Or is it just men??? Or is it just power that comes in2 “foreplay” here??? Long distance relationships??. Whatever it is , they make marriage sound nothing more than a display of wealth . if not a chance 2 , officially get their pants unzipped.

 

And to name a few, Ronan Keating, Brad Pit.. and our very own Hritik Roshan, Akshay Kumar..  (did I say at the beginning that he list is long?? )

 

Apparently “About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage "Monogamy Myth", Therapist Peggy Vaugn”

Is this a foretelling sign for us women 2 openly indulge in orgies now????

 

I hope not..!!!

 

 

“Treat the girl right ,

 Or u will bite d dust!

With a pole tied to him. Tight..!!

And castrate his tongs of lust.”

 

Amen to that..!!

Reality Bites

                Since everybody i know i bitten by reality bug; I too thought of eating a pie from the cake..!!! :D

 This incident is something that happened a few months ago when i used 2 travel by the chuk -chuk gaadis  that have finally come of age...the paan stained violet trains..!!  ta-da..!!!

                    It was a hot sunny afternoon .  Everyone's tired,  bleary and rude. Housewives thinking about d menu 4 d dinner,  teeny boppers probably thinking about d food for dinner; or d quite drink b4 dinner... the fact that the fans being present 4 d spiders to make their row houses dint help any respite from the heat n d whiny tones women belched every 10 seconds.

             The lucky women sitting by the window.(Envied by everyone for the moment ) stare back thru the jail like. windows.. d only scenery pleasant to the eyes  being  the trees, the gross ones included people pooping on the tracks or washing their bum.

                     An old woman ,  sat opposite to me, vacuously filled with warmth.The kind of 1es who might hit u if u go wrong when u observe their wrinkles.  The best time pass would be  so 2 buy some cheap imitation jewellery n act as queen Sheba in the very own compartment..!!!  I indulged.. and How..!!

               After an hour of experiencing eternity the  train halted at Borivli. the only good thing worth being happy about for the moment. In the  the ram n shayam get lost in a mela frenzy for  the door.. this old woman sat in her seat in a composed state almost under placebo.

             And then she did something which isn’t expected from anybody: just like u can’t expect cows apologize when they moo.

                     The old woman spat on the idle seat adjacent to her. No remorse. No apologetic look. just plain mundane insipid expression like everything in the universe was placed just like it is. I was disgusted to appoint where I could feel repelling rants of hatred towards her.. She st spat on the train seat.. Who does that..!!!?

                   For the nonce none of us spoke.. we were 2 busy giving her nasty looks n the other women discussing how people do ghaand in the trains. but viola! Amidst such taken from a filmy melodramatic scene..There has to be a captain planet right???

                      So we found or very own crusader right der. the women hawker..!!!

“ Treat trains like home ... would you live in dirt.. do u like to live in dirt..????  Don’t u broom and clean your house??? Would u shit in your living room??? If we don’t take care.. Who would..???? Keep the city clean sanitized?? " Out of 50 women in that compartment, just this woman had the audacity 2 scald and scolds this granny with her remarks..!!! Alleluia..!!!  I am yet 2 see something like that burning in my life..

And every1 had a new found respect 4 her.The fact that she cares more the vibrant colourful city than her tarnished colourless life.

The drama was done and the nanny left with nothing to speak.we slowly inched towards the door.. me.. Only enlightened with what this women had 2 speak 4 something so strongly..

 Life surely springs surprises. In this case, Life was the hawker.

Why I hate KJo's movies

As much as I love Karan Johar for his wit and sense of humour, I DISLIKE him for the stereotypical plots in modern day cinema.

He might be hailed as the modern day raconteur. And after having a not so pleasant discussion about KJo with one of my mates; I am coming out with my own rendition of why I hate K Jo movies.

*Drunk Dancing*

What does Dostana, Kal Ho Naa Ho, I Hate Luv Story’s have in common??? (Going by the promos of this pic. ) The girls have the audacity to dance like this only when they are drunk!!! ONLY when drunk!! Either Karan Johar believes that pretty pixies can dance like orangutans only when drunk. Or women high on morals don’t drink. Or Mind u!! His movies r family entertainers’. What other excuse can he serve??? They definitely don’t want Indian parents to think that their own daughter can drink; fag or smoke weed.

*Death*

As long as the oldest trick in the book is used; KJo’s movies will always continue winning awards. Be it Kal Ho Na Ho where SRK's character Aman was deceased or Kuch Kuch Hota Hai where the pudgy Rani was bereaved. Just kill them or let them be losers. Another nuance is Hrithik Roshan in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Or SRK (Rahul) (again!) in Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna.

*Punjabis*

All these movies will mandatorily have a Punjabi mom who has to be rambunctious. A 'Thick Like Punjabi Lassie' Mom is even better when it comes to weight, girth and accent. Do we really need hackneyed Moms?? I think we were talking about KJo representing modern cinema. Take a look- Kirron Kher in Dostana, Kajol in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Kirron Kher again in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna.

*Lady Luck*

No matter how uneducated the character; serendipity will always get to them. Always.

*Love Stories*

Boy meets Girl. Girl meets Boy.

Boy hates Girl. Girl hates Boy.

But they will fall in love.

With each other’s differences.

It is these KJo's movies which makes us a baboon of ourselves His movies make us mushy. When we all know that relationships are definitely not about romantic slow songs; red roses; prom nights and reveries.

And Oh! God forbid, if we have any one cheating on us. They are ready with an excuse. “I love you, but unfortunately you are not my soul-mate. It is He/she” And they fade into the background. Just like that. And about you,you will be pining about her for quite some time.

*Love triangles*

· Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

· Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

· Dostana

· I Hate Luv Story’s

· Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham

· Kal Ho Naa Ho

I think the point is well conceived here.

Moving on to I Hate Luv Story’s . Sonam looks like she was fed on a diet of steroids since her childhood. Her kiddish tweeny voice, sadly didn't have any effect of the steroids.

Personally , I was turned off when I saw a scene “inspired” from the movie “27 dresses”. Not that I was quite impressed by 27 dresses either.

Just take a look at this video.

& read this from 27 Dresses

Jane: How refreshing! A man who doesn't believe in marriage.

Kevin: I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy of the spectacle.

Jane: Oh! That's so noble of you. Do you also go around telling small children that Santa Claus doesn't exist? 'Cause someone needs to blow that shit wide open.

Kevin: A-ha! So you admit that believe in marriage is kind of like believing in Santa Claus!

Teenyboppers are definitely going to love it. And I don’t see myself as one. Clearly.Yes, after a series of playing hotch-scotch with the plot-lines, even dialogues are an epiphany from the inspired rom-coms.

This is why I hate KJo.

P.S :- if anyone hasn't noticed by now, i haven't taken a jibe at Wake Up Sid. Which is primarily because the movie was realistic and made sense. and definitely struck a chord with everyone. It is only when he uses the "winning" formula and mish-mashes the story using a pair of dice. Throw the clichés and his movies will surely click..!!

The Axe effect- now with a twist..

Anti-rape condom ready for SA World Cup

Apart from letting the gossip mongers find an outlet to yap about. Facebook is helping me be a know-it-all in ways more than 1. Just yesterday 2 of the communities came up with a Write up on a female condom called Rape-Axe..!!


The condom is used to avoid the age old medieval lore which should have been scorned by now. Only this time it will leave d rapist writhing in pain. Something which can be worn as easily as a tampon is nothing to complain about and it has spiked in the inside of the
condom . the condom works its magic only during penetration. Once clung to the penis
it can be only removed by a doctor. Fangs prove to be loyal again..!!


Amen to that..!!


A lot of skeptics are hollering about leaking the news to the media. Which will make the rapists army combat forces unite and create something...??!! yes right.. Unless rapists
Definitely don’t roam around with X-ray eyes..!! anything could b e possible . Secondly
thou it is receiving a lot of flake about putting women through a lot of stress and the fragility
women are constantly have to deal with .


Well isn’t it always better safe to be " safe" than sorry.


The only concern here would be gang rape. where in 1 man is hurt they might resort to
much spiteful things. the fangs might not be able to deal with a couple of dicks. and may
attack the woman more than what was intended to. But after weighing the cons . we should still give Rape-axe a mighty go ahead. it can surely curb rape.


What’s more? Dr Sonnet Ehlers the inventor of rape axe said she visited prisons and talked to convicted rapists to investigate if such a device would have made them contemplate their deeds. thy replied in the positive.


Back home lets us look at the statistics in India. A woman gets raped every half an hour in India. The latest report of the Delhi-based National Crime Records Bureau shows India’s shameful record when it comes to rape.


In 2007, there were 20,737 reported cases of rape. This works out to a staggering 2.37 rapes every hour. As you read this write up, an innocent girl, woman or child is likely
being raped in India and languishing - given the social stigma.


To which i can conclude only this.
an axe for a the dick may set things right.


Rapists will now have to pay- with a rape scar..!!!